🧪 Health.Keep Review: Biohacking or Biohilarious?
Rating: ★★★★☆ (4/5 vials of kale-infused blood plasma)
Reviewed on: April 1st, 2025
Reviewer: Someone who once took a cold shower and felt nothing
What is Health.Keep?
Health.Keep claims to be “the world’s most advanced, AI-augmented, ultra-preventative, semi-clairvoyant health optimization platform,” powered by a proprietary algorithm named Dr. Intuitiva™, which was allegedly trained on ancient Greek medical texts, Reddit threads, and Elon Musk’s Twitter likes.
Their bold taglines:
“Because your chakras deserve machine learning too.”
“Prevent the future before it knows it’s happening.”
“Where wellness meets WTF.”
“Optimize your aura. Quantify your quirk.”
“The only app that can tell you when your spleen is lying.”
“Health so advanced, your cells will ghost death.”
“Not just preventative — pre-cognitive.”
“We see problems in your blood that your therapist hasn’t even diagnosed yet.”
“One scan. Infinite overthinking.”
“Because sometimes your gut feeling needs a firmware update.”
Services Offered
Health.Keep’s “Complete Clarity™” plan includes:
- 🔬 Full-body quantum scan using what they call Subcellular Interrogation MRI (SIMRI™), which can detect “vibes gone wrong” before symptoms even occur.
- 🧫 Bloodwork analyzed by AI-powered phlebotomists trained in emotional intelligence.
- 🧘 Mind-Gut Harmony Index™, a score out of 1,000 based on your microbiome’s opinion of your last 3 breakups.
- ⌛ Biological age reversal tracking — with options to “pause,” “rewind,” or “Napoleon Dynamite” your age.
- 🐙 Optional add-on: a full cephalopod DNA panel to test if you’re evolving into something better.
Health.Keep Review of User Experience
The onboarding process starts with a 90-minute holographic consultation in which a virtual centaur explains your aura’s current stability. The app is sleek, minimalistic, and passive-aggressively reminds you to meditate every 17 minutes.
We especially loved the Health.Keep Dash™, a wearable shaped like a miniature obsidian pyramid that glows red when you’re being too sarcastic for optimal mitochondrial function.
Health.Keep Review Pros
- Surprisingly insightful gut microbiome poetry analysis.
- Their AI therapist (Beta feature) only says “go outside” — which, honestly, is fair.
- Offers health insights months before your doctor has a clue — or possibly before they even happen.
- Extremely Instagrammable reports in a soothing color palette called “Preclinical Sage™.”
Health.Keep Review Cons
- The Centaur gets glitchy during Mercury retrograde.
- Their “Reverse-Aging Juice” tastes like beetroot and regret.
- You must fast for 36 hours, chant your intention, and do a headstand before your SIMRI scan.
- Occasionally recommends becoming a forest monk for optimal cortisol reduction.
Health.Keep Review Verdict
Health.Keep is either the future of preventative medicine or the most elaborate April Fool’s satire the biohacking world has ever pulled off. Either way, we’re signed up, we’re glowing, and our mitochondria have never been more emotionally validated.
If you’re into quantified self, AI diagnostics, and don’t mind occasional side quests to Bali for “soul realignment,” Health.Keep might just be your new obsession because laughter is the best medicine.
Note: This review is for entertainment purposes only. Health.Keep does not exist. Yet.
